Communication: Building the Skill that Heals Instead of Hurts

written by Heidi Brewer, LMFT

My decision to study Marriage and Family Therapy was a rare moment in my life—it was a split second decision, with zero research informing it. The lack of research would be startling to those who know me well, as I am characteristically someone who considers all options available in the greatest detail. 

At an open house event, I was filling out enrollment forms and had to check a box: Mental Health Counseling, or Marriage and Family Therapy. The thought process went like this, “Hmm. Marriage and Family Therapy sounds interesting.” Check.

Yet, with everything I know now, I would make the same decision all over again.

The field of Marriage and Family Therapy was deeply shaped by a shift in thinking that emerged during the early to mid-1950s. Researchers began to examine how family dynamics could contribute to, or help alleviate, patient symptoms.

This was a significant change from viewing people as purely independent individuals—instead, they were being understood within the context of the relational systems they were embedded in. These systems are interconnected, with each member playing a role in co-creating the patterns and problems that arise.

As a first-year student, this paradigm shift was both disruptive and exciting. It means that while we may not be able to change others, we can change ourselves and, in doing so, influence the dynamics of the systems we’re part of. By showing up differently, we create the possibility for different outcomes in our relationships.

Recognizing that we are co-creators of the dynamics around us led me to see just how vital communication is in sustaining or shifting those dynamics.

The words we choose, the tone we use, and our ability to listen—really listen—can dramatically impact our relationships. 

In fact, I believe that if we truly understood the profound impact our communication skills have on every aspect of our lives, we would devote every spare moment to improving them. 

Communication is both verbal and nonverbal, influencing our ability to build trust with friends and family, resolve conflicts, and clearly express our needs and desires. Professionally, these skills affect how we collaborate with colleagues, present ideas, and navigate difficult conversations.

To put it bluntly: communication is often the deciding factor in how close your relationships become and whether you advance in your career.

And for all the pain relationships can cause us—losing them, longing for more connection, feeling misunderstood—you’d think we’d be more eager to learn better ways of communicating. 

The problem is, however, that we often assume we’re good communicators simply because it’s something we do every day. But it turns out, some ways of communicating are far more effective than others and can lead to very different outcomes. 

If we want to see change in our relationships and our life, we need to become better students of communication. Improving how we communicate creates a ripple effect throughout the systems around us.

If you're after a different outcome, doesn't it make sense to take a different approach?

3 Communication Tips to Consider:

Get Curious

Whether you’re starting a conversation with a co-worker or deepening your connection with a friend or partner, try asking questions that invite thoughtful, genuine responses instead of automatic replies. These kinds of questions engage a different part of the brain, inviting more interesting responses and authentic connection.

Instead of the typical “How are you?”, try asking:

• “What’s been keeping you busy outside of work?”

• “What’s been a highlight of your week so far?”

• “What’s something you’ve been learning or thinking about lately?”

  
  

Give the Benefit of the Doubt by "Checking it out"

Another way questions can be helpful is in “checking it out” during tense situations. This approach lets you give someone the benefit of the doubt when their behavior feels upsetting.

For example: imagine a friend makes a comment that felt surprisingly hurtful. Instead of shutting down or assuming they meant to hurt you, try saying something like this:

“When you said [insert statement], it felt a bit hurtful to me. I just wanted to check it out—was that what you meant?”

Or:

“I might be reading this wrong, but when you said [insert statement], it came across differently than I expected. Can you tell me more about what you meant by that?”

Questions like these offer generous assumptions about the other person’s intent, reduce the chance of defensiveness, and create a pathway for clarity and repair if necessary.

Use Names to Connect

Our names are one of the most pleasant and attention-grabbing sounds to our ears.

Look for simple, genuine opportunities to use someone’s name throughout your day—whether it’s with your spouse, your kids, or even the cashier at the bank. It’s a small gesture that can foster a deeper sense of connection.

For example:

• Saying, “Thank you, Christine,” to the cashier 

• Greeting your child with an enthusiastic “Leo! Good morning!”

• Telling your partner, “Thanks for doing that, Maya.”