Learn to Repair: Stop Losing Time, Energy, and Relationships

Image by Lerone Peters

My husband, who has a particular disdain for squeaky doors, once walked around an entire camp with a can of WD-40 and single-handedly silenced every door. I should add: he did not work for the camp, he just wanted it to stop.

Turns out, some things in life are easy to fix.

The fixes become more difficult with more complex systems, like refrigerators or radiators. But really, the difference between an easy fix and a complicated one often comes down to one thing: knowing what to do.

This holds true for relationships, as well. There are steps we can take in the aftermath of relational breaks that can help to repair or, at least, mitigate the damage.

“Repair,” in the relational sense, is the act of restoring understanding, trust, and connection when it is broken. To me, it is a word brimming with hope—we all have hurt people along the way (unknowingly and sometimes knowingly) and the path of repair is grace, offering us a chance to try again.

Conflict is a normal part of life, even for people who deeply love each other. As complex, imperfect individuals, we’re constantly balancing our own needs and those of the people around us. Sometimes, that process gets messy: past wounds are exposed, expectations are unmet, and miscommunications ensue. Without the skills to repair, conflict can gradually create distance and estrangement, even though that’s rarely what either person truly wants.

The impact of these conflicts can be devastating. If we were to measure the time lost to anger and confusion, the missed moments with loved ones, and the emotional cost of fractured relationships—it would be a staggering statistic. And, one of the saddest parts is that much of it is needless. With just a few learned skills, it’s often possible to shift the outcome and prevent lasting damage.

Here are a few strategies to try next time you face a conflict: 

Engage a Repair Mindset

Repair isn’t something that only happens after we’ve had a big blow-up and said things we regret. It’s a mindset we can engage even while the conflict is unfolding. It’s similar to how we’d treat an expensive vase that fell on the ground—we likely wouldn’t stomp on it a few more times before seeing if it can be glued back together.

When we find ourselves in a tense situation, every step we take to de-escalate the conflict, even a small one, is a move toward repair. Repair is in our tone, the questions we ask to understand, the way we listen. Conversely, if we are dismissive, defensive, prone to raise our voice and storm off: the damage will be greater. Engaging the repair mindset right away can make all the difference.

Regulate, Don’t Escalate

The first skill to highlight is staying calm. If our ultimate goal is connection and not just “winning” the fight, we need to stay in control of ourselves to avoid becoming reactive, saying and doing things we’ll later regret. This takes practice—especially if we’ve been in a pattern of escalating conflicts—and requires training ourselves to respond in new ways.

One way we can stay calm is by focusing on our breathing, making sure it doesn’t become too shallow. When we take slow, deep breaths through our nose that fill our lungs, we help prevent our bodies from slipping into a fight-or-flight response.

Another powerful skill to maintain a sense of calm is self-talk. In these moments, self-talk can help us stay calm enough to regulate emotions.

Here are some examples to try out:

“It’s okay to feel upset right now. I can feel this without reacting in a way I’ll regret.”

“I don’t have to fix everything right now—I just need to stay calm and present.”

Learn to Notice Emotional Flooding

There are times when the overwhelm from a conflict can become too much, leading to the feeling of being flooded. “Psychological flooding” happens when our brain and body go into survival mode—emotions take over and it becomes hard to think clearly or listen. When this happens, it is not a great time to talk through things, as empathy and creative problem solving will be low. It is also a time when people frequently say things they end up regretting. 

It’s important to recognize when we’re in this state and pause the conversation till we are calm. When we need to step away, sharing our intention to come back to the conversation helps prevent confusion or worry. This is a gift to the other person, who may be feeling anxious, and builds trust and safety in the relationship. 

“I care about you and our relationship, and I want to work through this together. Right now, I need to take a break, but would like to talk more about it tomorrow over breakfast. Would that work for you?”

Share What Hurts Without Hurting Back

Sharing our hurt without attacking is an extremely important skill to master. When we share what’s going on for us without accusatory language, it helps the other person listen and respond with empathy. Reacting from our own hurt rarely leads to the understanding or care we’re seeking—instead, this approach pushes people away. 

And, as much as we think it will feel good to say the mean thing out of anger, it’s never worth it. Trust can be damaged for years after saying something that took mere seconds. It’s better to hold our tongue, take a break, and avoid creating new conflicts.

Along with using the above skills to stay out of a reactive state, using “I feel” statements is very helpful in sharing our own experience without accusation.

This is generally a good model to aim for:

I felt [emotion] when you [describe behavior]. In the future, could you [request/need]?

Check Yourself (Before You Blame Someone Else)

Humility is a prerequisite for taking ownership of our own part in a conflict. There are definitely times when blame falls mostly on one person, but more than not, two people have contributed to a conflict. Taking ownership involves listening to another person’s experience, having empathy for it, and apologizing for the pain we have caused. Apologizing sometimes can feel excruciating—admitting our failures is not always easy, but it is necessary to maintain connection. 

Taking ownership and offering a sincere apology helps rebuild broken trust. It shows the other person that we understand how we hurt them, we care that we hurt them, and we’re committed to doing better in the future.

Here are some good questions to consider, as we reflect on our contribution to a conflict: 

• “What part did I play in how this unfolded?”

• “How might my actions or reactions have impacted the situation?”

• “What could I have done differently to create a better outcome?”

A final note: I hope this information supports you in working through the conflicts you’re facing now or those that may come in the future. Ideally, the people in your life—family, friends, or partners—will join you on this journey of learning and practicing repair.

But it’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes, you may be the only one willing to put in the work. And in those situations, there are limits to how effective these tools can be, especially if the other person is committed to misunderstanding or escalating rather than connecting. 

If you find yourself in that kind of dynamic, you may want to consider reaching out for professional support to help you navigate it with greater clarity and confidence. 

by Heidi Brewer, LMFT

Heidi is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with experience working with families, individuals and children, in private practice and public agencies. She is passionate about self-care, fostering emotional awareness, and conflict resolution. Heidi enjoys spending time outside (barefoot, of course), 90’s movies, and finding ways to make everyday things fun.