How Emotional Regulation Heals Families One Moment at a Time

The Day My Son Taught Me to See the Good

Image by Edi Libedinsky

“Why do you only notice what we do bad?”

I’ll never forget the look in my son’s eyes when he asked me that. He was four—small, soft, sad. And he was right.

It had been a rough morning. Three kids under six. I was overwhelmed, reactive, huffing and puffing as I slammed snack bowls onto the table like a warning bell. They jumped. I cried. The familiar feeling of shame washed over me as I sunk wearily into a chair next to them.  

And then from across the table, through his own tears, my son asked that question: 

Why do you only notice what we do bad?

Time stopped.

I closed my eyes. Took a breath. Then another. I came back—to the moment, to myself, to believing I could become the best mother I could be. Through the intensive therapy I’d done over the past year, I had been learning to become attuned, present, regulated.

I started to calm myself down.  “You’re right, buddy. I was being pretty critical” I said, gently. “Thank you for letting me know how you were feeling by asking that question."

I stopped crying. I got my big girl pants on and once again, I practiced becoming the adult in the room—the one I needed as a child—for the children who needed her now.  

I looked each of them in the eyes, surrendered to the love in my heart, and owned my mistake.  

 “I was impatient.”  I said.  “I raised my voice and said a lot of things to you out of anger this morning. That wasn’t okay. It’s not ok to mistreat you like that. You are precious and valuable just because you are you. And there’s never an excuse that makes it ok for me or anyone to mistreat you.  I’m working on it and I promise I’m going to keep learning how to handle my emotions better. And I’m sorry.  Do you forgive me?”

Silence. A few sniffles. And then—yes. Forgiveness. Freely given, as children so easily do.

And I forgave myself, for the thousandth time, and would go on to ask for and forgive myself a million times more. But that moment was special. Something had shifted, I noticed.

It was getting easier to pause, to breathe, to come back to myself. To move from dysregulation to awareness to repair. A new pattern was forming: a safe, tender rhythm of noticing, pausing, repairing, and connecting. To the healing child inside me. To the precious little children in front of me. To my husband. Friends. To the people around me. 

Later that day, I had an idea.  And much to my son’s delight, we made a chart. “NOTICE THE GOOD,” it said.  

A shiny star sticker could go next to your name any time someone noticed something good about you.  And that day, ended up being filled with more good than I thought possible.  It turned out to be a really good day.  

Not perfect—but real. And from that day forward, I got better at noticing the good—not because I was trying to be positive, but because I was healing. And in that healing, we all grew.

We became—and still are—a family that owns our mistakes, repairs, forgives, and sees each other as precious.  These skills took us years to cultivate through the little by little practice of healing: patience, presence, self compassion, self respect, emotional regulation.

Noticing the good didn’t just help me regulate my emotions, it’s taught all of us to know ourselves and each other as valuable beyond measure, beloved without condition.  

Of course, we fight. We make each other mad. Just like any family on earth. But we keep returning.  

Through all these years, with each new wounded, raw and painful nerve I discover, I keep returning. I keep returning to my own child heart, to remember to notice the good. And that keeps changing everything for the better.  

Final Thoughts

Emotional regulation isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about building a flexible, responsive relationship with your inner world. It’s about moving through the waves of life without losing yourself to them.

This skill doesn’t come overnight, especially if your nervous system has been shaped by trauma or chronic stress. But with the right tools, support, and a lot of self-compassion, it can be developed—and it can change everything.

Because how we relate to our emotions… is how we relate to everyone around us and ultimately, it’s how we relate to life itself.